Can't Go Back Now
by Oliviet
Summary: "She can't stop thinking about it. About him. The feel of his lips pressed against hers as his hands tangled in her hair. The feeling of him pressed against her, taking every ounce of her strength not to roll her hips into his." Season 3 AU where Castle and Beckett get together before she's shot and they spend the summer together at the cabin. Summer Ficathon 2016.
1. Chapter 1

AN: For fic storyline purposes, let's all pretend Dr. Motorcycle Boy left for Africa _after_ "Knockdown." Sound good? Okay thanks.

* * *

She can't stop thinking about it. About _him_. The feel of his lips pressed against hers as his hands tangled in her hair. The feeling of him pressed against her, taking every ounce of her strength not to roll her hips into his. She'd already moaned for him, realizing the second the sound left her mouth that she needed to pull back and focus. This kiss was supposed to be a distraction for the guard, not a distraction from her life.

But still, she thinks about it. Thinks about how she needed friction in the worst way during those seconds. About how she wanted more from him, _needed_ more. And then she starts to feel guilty because she has a boyfriend and that boyfriend isn't Castle.

But she doesn't think about Josh this way. She's not sure if she ever has. And that right there should be sending off alarm bells in her head. But instead she keeps her head down, keeps working the case, makes dinner plans with Josh for after he gets off his shift.

It's only when her thoughts drift back to Castle's tongue that she realizes he's sitting in his chair beside her desk. She wonders how long he's been there. Wonders if he's thinking the same things she is.

Kate looks over at him and catches him staring at her. She doesn't say anything and for a while neither does he. This can't be good, can it?

"Still thinking about Lockwood?" he finally asks.

She nearly snorts. So the opposite of where her mind has been for the past hour.

"Not exactly," she answers him, turning back to the paperwork she's been attempting to complete for the last hour so she can actually make her dinner date on time.

"Yeah me neither."

She doesn't want to talk about this now. Shouldn't. She doesn't have the time.

"Look, Castle I -"

"It doesn't have to mean anything," he cuts her off. "It was only a distraction technique after all. One of my dumb ideas and what not."

"Okay -"

"And that little moan of yours," he keeps talking, shrugging his shoulders. "Just a visceral reaction. Doesn't have to mean anything."

Shit, he _had_ noticed that. Which meant he probably noticed her trying not to roll her hips against his too. Because the more she thinks about it, the more she starts to fear that it happened at least once.

"You've been thinking about this all day, haven't you?" Kate asks, finally giving up on the paperwork and vowing to come in early to finish it tomorrow.

"Are you trying to tell me that you haven't?"

She doesn't know what he wants from her. An admission of her attraction to him? A confession that the moan was so much more than visceral?

"You're a good kisser, is that what you want to hear?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at him.

Castle smirks. "Only if it's true."

That earns him an eye roll as she starts packing up her desk for the night.

"Leaving so soon?" he asks.

She almost doesn't want to tell him where she's going. As though telling him that she's headed to meet her boyfriend will end this whole charade they have going here.

"I'm meeting Josh for dinner."

She hates the way he deflates at her words. She knows that he doesn't like the guy and by the use of his tongue earlier she knows that he definitely likes her.

"Oh," Castle starts, standing up. "Then I won't keep you."

"Castle, I -"

"Have a good night," he calls over his shoulder, already heading for the elevator.

She sinks back against her chair with a frustrated sigh. There has to be a way to blame Ryan and Esposito for this mess.

* * *

He catches her in the break room the next morning, pouring herself a cup of coffee. He leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So how was dinner?"

He's fishing. Trying to figure out if she mentioned their kiss to Josh or not.

"He's going to Africa," Kate tells him, stirring creamer into her coffee.

"I'm that much of a threat to him, huh?" Castle says, nodding.

She groans, brushing past him back out into the bullpen. "He's doing Doctors Without Borders. It's hard to be mad at him for leaving when he's trying to save the world."

He hesitates. "Did you tell him about -"

"No," she answers, shaking her head before he can finish. "He has enough on his plate right now; he doesn't need to know about our undercover work."

"When's he coming back?"

"In a month."

He follows her over to her desk. "That doesn't seem very long. Don't these programs normally last for like a year?"

She shrugs, sliding into her chair. "Maybe it's a different program, I don't know."

That stupid smirk of his is back. "You seem really invested in his life."

Kate shoots him a look. "Shut up and go get me the case file from Ryan's desk."

"Have I been promoted from shadow to personal assistant?"

"You're my partner," she says slowly. "Getting that case file benefits you too."

She wants to wipe that damn smirk off of his face. She knows exactly what would do it too. Something that will turn that smug expression into one of shock.

"Not those kinds of benefits, Castle," she tells him. "Those come later."

Sure enough, he stares after her slack-jacked as she stands up and heads towards LT's desk just for the sake of having somewhere to go so she can saunter away from him. So maybe she enjoys flirting with him a little too much. But she's still laughing at his face from a month ago when he suggested she pop another button to get that guy to talk, thinking that she wouldn't, and she actually did. Now she finds too much pleasure in doing things to put that look back on his face. Which is exactly why she proceeded to tell him that she does this one trick with ice cubes a few weeks later.

Maybe it's good that Josh is going to Africa. It would makes things easier for her to break up with him so she can explore...whatever this is. Because there is definitely something here that she just doesn't feel with Josh. And Castle knows it. Now she just needs to find the time to get Josh to see it too.

* * *

She tries to break it off with him before he leaves, she really does. But their schedules keep conflicting and then she can barely get a word in as he's bidding her goodbye. It's not like she expects anything to happen with Castle over the next month. In fact, she's not even 100% sure that she wants something to. But still. Ending things would definitely help soothe the guilt she feels every time she thinks about that kiss...which is often.

She finds herself dialing back on the flirting in the following weeks. With his mother losing a close friend and one of his own childhood friends becoming a main suspect in a case, he hasn't exactly been his usual upbeat self. But she takes him to Remy's, let's him steal her fries like usual, tells herself that it isn't a date. The topic of their kiss has yet to come back up and she's not sure if she's disappointed or grateful.

The next thing she knows, Josh is back and they're getting into a yelling match at the precinct. It happens behind the closed doors of the break room, but she knows the whole squad is trying to listen in. He tells her that he wants to go to Haiti, an actual full year program this time. She tells him to go, saying that whatever was once between them is over now. It spirals from there, Castle somehow getting dragged into all of it. Josh has never been fond of him. Never liked how close he was to his girlfriend. An overprotective quality she's always hated. He never cared about how close she is with Lanie.

But Josh starts accusing Castle of being the reason she wants to end things. So she tells him that yeah, he is. That Castle is someone who will dive into things with her, together. While Josh is someone who wants to go out on all these adventures alone and just expects her to be waiting for him when he returns.

She's actually kind of surprised when Josh doesn't go after Castle after storming out of the break room. Grateful. But surprised.

Castle's by her side seconds after the elevator doors close on her now ex. "Everything okay?"

She nods, giving him a tight smile. "Fine. Now come on, we've got a suspect to go question."

* * *

She's spent the last ten minutes trying to reassure Castle that they did not just uncover a nuclear bomb. Of course the isolation to the radiation tent, the guys in hazmat suits, and her Geiger Counter being off the charts aren't helping calm her own nerves at all.

"Can we just talk about something else?" she pleads, needing to refocus her nervous energy.

"Okay," Castle says slowly. "How's Josh?"

Now is so not the time or place for this.

Kate looks down at her lap. "He's going to Haiti. For a year, maybe more."

"You doing the long distance thing?"

She fidgets with the end of her sleeve. "Uh no."

"Don't tell me you're going with him."

She laughs at that, looking up to meet his gaze. "I broke up with him. I mean I need someone who's going to be there for me, and I'll be there for him, and we could just dive in together. And I don't have that with him. He's too busy saving the world."

"You help to save the world too, you know. You get murderers off of the streets, Beckett. You're kind of like a superhero."

Kate shakes her head at him, unable to stop the grin from spreading across her face. He's just about to say something else when one of the men in hazmat suits steps in to tell them they're free to go. A part of her wonders if Castle was about to tell her that he would dive in with her. But the moment has passed and she switches back into case mode.

She wants to tell him that she'll dive in with him too.

* * *

This is clearly the case from hell because if that radiation scare from earlier wasn't enough, she and Castle are now locked in a large storage freezer together. It's almost like the universe is trying to force alone time on them so they'll actually talk. Too bad all of this alone time keeps getting overshadowed by impending death. Damn universe.

"Stop trying to break down the door before you hurt yourself," Kate admonishes, wrapping her arms tightly around her middle for warmth.

"Beckett -"

"Someone will find us."

She's not even sure if she believes it herself, but hope is all they have at the moment.

"Would it be too cliché if I suggested that we huddle together for warmth?" Castle asks, trying to sound more playful than he is frightened.

The body heat would help. The snuggling on the other hand...

"So uh, what? Do we just awkwardly hug?" she asks, trying as well to make a joke out of the whole thing.

"Is hugging really that awkward when we've already kissed?"

"Under the circumstances? Yes."

He laughs, moving away from the door and closer to her. Silently, he slips his arms around her and tugs her into his chest. She feels instantly warmer just from the way that her heart starts racing. It's a bit overwhelming being held by him like this. It's entirely too intimate and she's having flashbacks to that kiss, which seems to be getting dirtier every time she thinks about it.

Kate curls into him, seeking more of the warmth he's permeating, and she swears she hears him release a contented little sigh. She turns her head, trying to bury her nose at the neck of his coat, but the fabric isn't much warmer than her skin feels.

"What if we don't make it out of here?" His breath comes at a surprising warmth against her neck as he speaks. "What if this is it for us?"

"It's not. It can't be."

More empty words she doesn't believe. Her fingers are starting to grow numb, as are her toes. Freezing from the outside in. Despite the momentary burst of adrenaline at being held by him, she can feel her heart rate starting to slow. This isn't good. Nothing about this is good.

They eventually find that they need to sit, all the feeling have been lost in their feet. She finds herself practically in his lap, still clinging to his torso. She can't feel anything anymore. Can barely feel his body beneath hers.

"I always thought, being a cop, I'd take a bullet," Kate says softly, wondering if he can even hear her. He hasn't said anything in a while. "Never thought I'd freeze to death."

"Hey," he starts, attempting to wrap his arms around her tighter. "We're not dead yet."

She's just thankful to hear his voice.

"Castle, you should know something. If this is it -"

"It's not it. You said so yourself."

She ignores him, pushing forward with her confession in between shivering breaths. "I just want to thank you for always being here for me. I need you to know how much you mean to me and how much I -"

The cold wins and she can't finish her thought. She's faintly aware of him calling her name as she drifts out of it.

* * *

The next thing she knows, she's waking up in an ambulance covered with blankets and an IV in her arm.

"Where is he?" Kate slurs, feeling almost drunk as her body slips out of its stupor. "Where's Castle?"

She tries to sit up, but the paramedic keeps her down. "Take it easy," the guy tells her. "You're recovering from mild hypothermia. Just let your body get warm for a while."

"The man I was with, is he okay?" she presses.

"He's going to be fine," the paramedic assures her. "Same as you."

She has an overwhelming need to see for herself. And that scares her a little bit. Just how much she cares.

When the paramedic finally gives her the okay to stand up, she wraps one of the blankets around her shoulders and steps out of the ambulance, her eyes searching the crowd for Castle. She spots him sitting on the edge of another ambulance, talking to Ryan and Esposito. His eyes meet hers and she smiles. And then he's walking towards her, a matching blanket of his own draped over his shoulders.

"That was a close one, huh?" he asks with a small laugh, his shoulder brushing hers as he moves to her side.

"Too close," she agrees.

"I wonder how many cups of coffee it will take to chase the cold out."

"We're never going to be able to sleep again," Kate jokes. "We'll be too hopped up on caffeine."

"Maybe we should switch to decaf then."

"Bite your tongue."

He laughs, their shoulders brushing again. But then the mood passes and he takes on a more serious tone.

"You know, I was pretty freaked out when I woke up in that ambulance by myself," he tells her. "I was more worried about you than I was myself. You scared me when you passed out on me."

Her gaze drops to the ground before she looks back over at him. "You were my first concern too."

"Listen, Beckett I -"

"Yo Beckett, Montgomery's on the phone for you," Esposito interrupts before holding out his cell.

She tosses Castle an apologetic smile before once again slipping out of the moment and back into work mode.

* * *

They do nothing but tiptoe around each other for the next few months. They spend the rest of winter and the majority of spring being way too polite and occasionally way too flirtatious. It's almost as though they've given up on trying to talk about things for the fear of getting interrupted yet again. It isn't until early May when Royce ends up dead and she and Castle end up out in LA investigating, that they finally take another step forward.

She gets him to make that stunned look again when she steps out of the pool in her swimsuit. She tries not to hold his gaze for too long because he's not her intended target today. And then she realizes that she mentally added the 'today' to that thought and has to quickly advert her eyes from his. And then of course there's the moment a little while later when Castle tells her he got a photo of their target's recent calls and she basically says she's so happy with this news she could kiss him. "Poke you? I want to kiss you," being her exact words.

Oh and he'd noticed. His gaze had focused in on her lips before she brought her focus down to his phone. And it had taken everything she had in her not to just forget about his phone and grab his face right then and there.

But it isn't until later that night back at the hotel, after Montgomery had learned of their rogue mission and ordered their return, that their polite silence is finally broken. She starts talking about Royce and somehow that leads into them flirting again. But just when it feels like whatever's between them is about to spark, she excuses herself to go to bed.

She's immediately kicking herself for it though and resolves that she's tired of holding back from this. She wants him, she knows that she does. And she's pretty damn sure that he wants her too.

Kate stops thinking the second she reopens her bedroom door. Castle is just rising from the couch to head to bed himself, but stops with his now signature stunned expression when he sees her reappear. She stops listening to everything that's been telling her no for the past couple of months and goes to him, pulling his mouth down to hers without hesitation.

He responds instantly, his hands gripping at her waist, his tongue deepening the kiss. One of these days she thinks that she's going to kiss him and it's going to be slow and tender. Today is not that day. His hands snake under the hem of her shirt, burning her skin with the sensation of being touched by him. She finally allows her hips to rock against his, drawing out a moan that is long since overdue. Her hands skim down his pectorals, toying with the top button of his shirt. She pulls away, just for a moment, to catch his eyes, to gauge if he wants the same things.

His eyes are dark and hooded, while his thumbs continue to stroke over her back at such a maddening pace that she can't keep her mind from thinking about them stroking elsewhere.

"If a little sunshine was all it took, I would have brought you out here months ago," Castle says, nudging her backwards toward her bedroom.

She shakes her head, already trying to pull his back down to hers. "Just shut up and kiss me."

"I like the sound of that much more than shut up and get me that file."

She groans, nipping at his bottom lip as the back of her legs make contact with the bed. He pauses again, taking a moment to smile down at her before they get lost in a frenzy of skin and clothes. They fall back onto the bed, getting tangled up in the sheets and with each other. She moans for him again, and this time, it's completely intentional.


	2. Chapter 2

"Why did we wait so long to do that?" Castle asks, skimming his fingers up the bare expanse of her back.

"Cause we're idiots," Kate sighs.

"No, I don't think that's it," he laughs, still stroking her back. "We've both wanted this for a while now, I know we have."

"I'm that obvious, huh?" she smirks.

"I find you staring at my lips a lot."

She laughs at that, rolling over to face him. She reaches up to stroke her thumb across his cheek.

"So we're doing this?" she asks. "Us?"

"Beckett, I've never met anyone quite like you before. And now that I have, I very much want to keep you around. I'm in this. You and me? Let's do this."

Kate hums, curling a leg around his hip. Castle traces his fingers up her thigh, tapping them against her side.

"So does this help you solve the great mystery that is me?" she asks, tangling her fingers with his at her side.

"Parts of it," he smiles back. "Like where your tattoo is and what you sound like when I -"

She cuts him off by kissing him.

"Mmm and what you taste like," he mumbles against her lips. "But I had a little preview of that this past winter."

She hums, kissing him again, her hips rocking against his with the promise of round two.

"You've come to mean a lot to me over these last three years," she tells him, finally managing to pull herself away. "I don't want to screw this up and lose you."

"Kate," he starts, stroking back her hair, watching her react to the use of her first name. "I told you I'm in this. I'm yours."

"You're not the one I'm worried about."

"I'm your partner. I'm in this rabbit hole with you as long as you'll have me here. I'm here to dive in with you together. You can't push me away that easily. You've seen how persistent I can be."

She smiles at that, dancing her fingertips across his jaw line. "Yes, you're very persistent."

"Montgomery _is_ still going to let me be your partner, right?"

"He likes you. I think your shadow job is safe."

Castle nods, catching her wrist at his jaw. "You know, if you're just going to keep straddling me like this then I'm going to have to initiate round two."

"Actually," she hums, rolling her hips against his thigh, "I've already initiated it. Just waiting for you to follow through."

He clucks his tongue at her before drawing her in for another kiss. "Yeah, I can definitely get used to this."

* * *

And for the next two weeks, everything is great. Sex and actual dates to Remy's, bets on how long they can sneak around before Ryan and Esposito find out. But of course it's her mother's case of all things that comes swooping in to ruin everything. And suddenly Montgomery is involved in the whole thing and Castle is holding her up against a car with a hand over her mouth, trying to keep her from going into the hangar and getting herself killed. And when he finally lets her go, she's met only with the lifeless body of her captain and more questions than answers.

She feels nothing but numb after that. Even refusing Castle's insistent offers to stay with her that night. It's all too much and she just needs time to process.

But that time is cut too short when she gets shot at Montgomery's funeral and the last thing she registers before she blacks out is Castle frantically telling her that he loves her.

* * *

She wakes to darkness, a sharp, stabbing pain blossoming in her chest. Her eyes struggle to focus, groggy from whatever drug they have her on that's clearly failing to manage her pain. Her memories from the past 12 hours flicker in the back of her mind, like remnants of a dream she's trying to remember. It's too much. Way too much. Maybe she should try to go back to sleep.

Kate closes her eyes again, but now all she can focus on is the pain. She should call a nurse in here to help, but she can't manage to find the damn call button. Her eyes roam over the darkened room, landing on a figure slumped in a chair by the wall. It must be past visiting hours, who did they let stay? Her father perhaps? But the more she studies his form she realizes that no, that isn't Jim Beckett. It's Richard Castle.

A part of her wants to let him sleep, but she knows the only reason he's camped out in that chair is because he wants to make sure that she's okay. _Because he loves her_.

Fuck, when did that happen? They haven't even been a couple for that long, but - wait does she feel it too? She can't possibly be in love with him already. She just doesn't -

The familiar sound of his ringtone interrupts her thoughts, startling him awake. Castle curses under his breath, rushing to quiet the phone. She watches him duck out of the room to answer it, still completely unaware that she woke up.

She can hear snippets of the conversation from the hallway. Her dad is calling. Something about coffee and Danishes. She wishes it was just a little bit brighter in here so she could make out the hands on the clock on the wall. But she thinks she knows what happened now. Her dad had been here, keeping watch at her side, and Castle had offered to stand in so he could go home and change. And apparently get coffee. Now she wonders how long she's been out of it for.

Castle re-enters the room and this time his eyes find hers. She hears his audible sigh of relief.

"You're awake," he says, relief flooding his tone. "I'll go get the doctor."

"Castle," her voice is hoarse, doesn't even sound like her own. "What time is it?"

He checks his phone. "Almost 6 AM. I'll be right back."

* * *

It's nearly 9 AM by the time she and Castle are alone again. The doctors and nurses have finally stopped fluttering about and she finally convinced her dad that it was okay for him to go into work and deal with the big case he's been prepping for months. But she doubts they'll be alone for long since Castle called the boys to let them know that she was doing okay. She's sure they're on their way over right about now.

Castle is sitting where he has been all morning, in a chair pulled up next to her bed opposite her IV. For the better part of the morning, he's been playing with her hand, his fingers rubbing circles into her palm and dancing over the back of it. And he's been quiet. Quiet to a point that is so unlike him, it has her gut twisting in worry.

"Talk to me," she says softly, after the nurse checking her IV drop leaves the room.

"The light left your eyes in that ambulance." He doesn't say more, just tangles their fingers together and squeezes.

"I'm a fighter, you know that."

He nods, his gaze still not leaving their hands.

"And I'm okay now. The doctor said he expects me to make a full recovery."

"He also said that they had to restart your heart during surgery."

She can tell he's been playing worse case scenarios over and over in his head. And by the way he still won't look at her, he hasn't stopped. He cares about her so much, _loves her_ apparently, it makes her chest ache in a manner not caused by the bullet.

"Babe, I'm not going anywhere." Did she just call him Babe? That's new. "They can't get rid of me that easily. And neither can you."

His gaze finally lifts to meet hers. "Did you hear what I said? Just before you blacked out?"

Kate nods. She hasn't been able to think about much else.

"Well I meant it. The dating part may still be new, but you've been in my life for three years now. And almost losing you yesterday... it made me realize just how much I cared. I don't want to lose you, Kate. I can't."

She squeezes his hand back. "Come with me this summer."

That concerned look on his face morphs into confusion. "Come with you where?"

Oh. Right. He hadn't been in the room when she had this conversation with her dad earlier.

"To my dad's cabin up in the Catskills. He offered it to me this morning and I think it would be a good idea to get out of the city to...heal. There's a rehab center I can go to up there and the area is peaceful. It reminds me of my childhood and I think it's exactly what I need right now. But I want you to come with me. I could use the company. I could use...you being there. I don't want to be hours away from you all summer."

"Your childhood, huh? I'd get to see one of the places where little Katie Beckett grew up?"

The worry lining his face is starting to lift; his playful demeanor trying to make a comeback. She starts to laugh, but it hurts her chest too much so she just smiles.

"So you'll join me?" she asks hopefully. "You don't have to stay the whole summer if you don't want to. I don't want to take you away from Alexis or anything -"

"I would love to," Castle cuts her off, squeezing her hand again. "I think it would be good for me too to get out of the city for a while. Might actually be beneficial for my writing to get some peace and quiet. Alexis could even come join us for a week or two if you don't mind. And you know, I've been going to the Hamptons so much these past couple of summers it's almost starting to feel like an extension of the city. Somewhere new would be good. Somewhere with you."

Kate smiles again. A summer spent with Castle. Like the one they should have had last year at the Hamptons. The one Gina took from her because she was too slow to respond...

Well shit.

Maybe she does already love him too.

* * *

AN: I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but I really didn't want to break up the next section. Thank you all so much for your support thus far! It means the world to me!


	3. Chapter 3

The view is breathtaking up here, that's for sure. He's almost too busy staring in awe to help Kate out of the car, but when he turns to help her she's already batting him away. He's just glad he's not her physical therapist. He can already tell she's going to try to push herself too hard, too fast. It's been three weeks since her surgery, two since her discharge from the hospital, and she's already determined to be her usual invincible self again.

"Beckett, you have to let me help you. You're recovering from heart surgery here."

"I'm recovering from getting shot," she corrects him, closing the car door behind her. "It's not like I had bypass or anything."

"It doesn't matter what kind of surgery it was, you still had it. And I would argue that getting shot is a lot more serious."

She rolls her eyes at him and moves to grab her bags from the trunk. He cuts her off.

"No heavy lifting, remember? I've got this. Go on inside."

She mumbles something inaudible under her breath, but digs out her key and slowly makes her way up the front porch steps.

He's fallen in love with the most stubborn woman in New York, he's sure of it.

Castle stops to stare at the view again once their bags are out of the car. The lake glistens in the sun, giving off an illusion that it's warmer than it really is in early June. There are tall trees everywhere, their presence a much welcome change from the tall buildings he's used to seeing. And he can just make out the crests of the mountains in the distance, his mind already trying to work Nikki and Rook into a weekend out here.

"You coming, Castle?"

His attention snaps back to Kate and he picks the bags back up, heading after her towards the porch. He notices a hammock tied between two trees in the yard, as well as a wooden swing that he can't help but picture a younger version of his partner enjoying on a daily basis. As he rounds the corner to the porch steps, he notices a fire pit off to the side of the house, and makes a mental note to buy supplies for s'mores when they head into town for groceries.

"This place is really incredible," he tells her as he walks past her holding the door open for him.

"I'm sure your place in the Hamptons is much more impressive," Kate shrugs.

He shakes his head, following her into the bedroom to drop off their bags. "There's no history there. Well, okay that's a lie, there's plenty of history. But it doesn't compare to this place. Here, everything is just breathing with a life, with a story to tell."

"Calm down, Writer Boy. You've got all summer to write your next literary masterpiece."

"And that view -" he keeps talking as though she'd never spoken.

"I never pegged you for the outdoorsy type, Castle."

"So much to learn, Beckett," he smiles, finally starting to take in the surroundings of the inside of the cabin. Even the interior fascinates him. "Can we take a tour? If you're up for it that is."

"I've been sitting in a car for nearly three hours. I could use the movement." She spreads her arms out wide to gesture at the room they're currently in. "This is the master bedroom. I didn't think the two of us would fit on my twin bed so I'm stealing this from my parents."

"Oh you didn't want to sleep on top of me?" he asks, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Keep it in your pants, Castle. The doctor said I had to wait at least four weeks before having sex. This is week three."

"Who said anything about sex?" he asks, feigning innocence.

She rolls her eyes and leads him back out into the hallway. "There's a bathroom in the master, but there's also one down the hall to the left."

"And what's down the hall and to the right?" he asks, noticing another doorway.

"My old room."

His eyes light up and he heads in that direction with her trailing behind him. The twin bed sits just under the window. A blue duvet, that looks like it belongs to a much bigger bed, covers the mattress and matches the color of the curtains. There's a wall paper border up near the ceiling with little blue anchors printed on it. A bookshelf resides against the wall beside the closet. There's not much on it now, just a few stray picture books and a stuffed dog wearing a sailor's hat.

"When was the last time you came out here?" Castle asks.

"High school. My dad's been up here a couple of times since then, but I've...stayed away."

"Too hard without your mom?"

She nods, turning her gaze to look at a poster of some rock band he's never heard of. "We'd usually spend a month up here every summer. I loved it when I was younger, but as I got older, I just wanted to stay in the city with my friends. Spending a month alone with your parents at 16 is not ideal. Might have been different if I'd had siblings, but I guess I'll never know."

"I'm not much help in that department," he shrugs.

Kate hums, brushing at the layer of dust that's formed on the dresser. "It's kind of sad if you think about it. If we ever have kids they won't have any aunts or uncles or cousins."

"You've already thought about us having kids?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at her.

"No," she answers a little too quickly, shaking her head. "We were just talking about being only children and the thought popped into my head. What about Alexis? Does she have more family on Meredith's side?"

Castle nearly snorts. "Meredith's family is - let's just say more eccentric than she is. Even when she and I were married, they were never really a part of Alexis's life."

Kate turns to lead him back out to see more of the house.

"I'm sure Ryan and Esposito would be more than happy to play uncles," he calls after her as she rounds the corner into the living room.

She looks back over her shoulder at him, tossing him a small smile.

"So this door leads to the basement," she continues, gesturing to a door across from the front door he had assumed was a closet earlier. "There's not much down there, it's mostly storage. At one point there was a foosball table, but I'm not sure if Dad got rid of it or not. Although I'm sure that's something you'll be investigating later."

He smirks at how well she knows him.

"And then you've got your living room and kitchen and that's about it for the inside."

There's a dining table in between the kitchen and living room with four place settings, just enough space for a family of three. There's a TV in the living room offset by a fireplace that he wonders if still works. It may be too hot to use it this summer, but who knows how cold stormy days get out here right off of the lake? Picture frames line the mantel place, ranging from a toddler Kate laughing in pigtails to a teenage one pretending not to be impressed with the size of the huge fish her dad caught. It hits him then just how much she resembles Johanna, seeing them in these photos together. It hits him just how much of her private life she's opening up to him by inviting him up here.

Castle slips his hand through hers and gently tugs her out the doors to the back patio. There's a grill out here and some patio furniture. Perfect for lunches without having to worry about tracking the sand and lake water inside he's sure. He's only been here 20 minutes and he's already in love with the charm of the place.

"Thank you for inviting me out here. This seems like a very personal place for you, and to share it with me really means a lot."

Kate smiles. "No one else I'd rather share it with."

He smiles back before eagerly taking in the outdoor aspects of their property again. She laughs at him, leading him on the remainder of their tour. He's about to ask if they can go down and check out the beach when he notices her fall back, reaching out to a tree for support. She's bent over slightly, her other hand pressing on her lower thigh and her breathing uneven.

"Hey, Beckett, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I just overdid it. Too much walking, need to sit." She looks back over her shoulder, probably gauging the distance to the patio furniture. "Here seems good."

She slides down against the trunk of the tree, her hair getting caught in the bark. Castle retraces his steps to join her, freeing the stray strands of her hair before he sits beside her.

"Take your time," he tells her, rubbing at her knee. "We're here for you to heal and get your strength back. And this is only day one."

"Yeah, day one of week three," she sighs, stretching her legs out in the grass in front of her. "I just keep thinking about how when we were in that freezer and I made that comment about how I always thought I'd take a bullet. Well I took one, and I'm still here."

"You're a fighter, you said so yourself."

"I think I'm still in denial that it happened and about how huge of an impact getting shot actually has. I just want to get back to work. Figure out who the hell shot me and what Montgomery had to do with all of this."

"Beckett -"

"I hate that I have to spend time healing and getting my strength back. I don't like not feeling like myself. I don't like feeling weak."

"You took a bullet to the heart and survived. You're a far cry from weak."

Kate lets her head fall to his shoulder. "I don't know if I could go through something like this alone."

He turns his head and places a kiss into her hair. "Good thing you don't have to."

* * *

He wakes up around 2 AM at the insistence of his bladder and notices the bed is empty next to him. The bathroom is the first room he checks for her, for more reasons than one, before he starts searching the rest of the cabin. She's not in her old room and he almost finds relief in that; sharing a bed with him isn't what caused her to leave. But there's no soft glow or quiet sound coming from the television. There's no fresh pot of coffee simmering in the kitchen. She's just...gone.

His first thought is this inane theory that whoever had her shot came to finish the job. But he quickly shakes that off, telling himself that would have woken him up and she's probably just outside. However, when he doesn't see her around the perimeter of the house, his panic intensifies. He tells himself that she has to be here somewhere, that no one took her.

Castle squints down at the lake, trying to make out shapes in the darkness. It's cloudy tonight; a puff of grey hiding the illumination from the moon. He can just barely make out a Beckett-like shape on the dock. At least he certainly hopes it's Beckett or else this stranger is about to be very confused. The closer he gets to the shoreline, the more his eyes adjust. He can now see the braid she put her hair in after her shower. She's sitting on the edge of the dock, her feet dangling in the water. She doesn't stir when his weight shifts the wooden boards, sending a soft creak into the night air. She must assume it's him.

Of course who else would it be? The guy who shot her? Okay, too soon, too soon.

"Isn't the water a little cold for that?" he asks, sitting down beside her and tucking his knees into his chest rather than letting his feet get wet.

"I've adjusted," she shrugs without looking at him.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"No. You?"

"I woke up to pee and couldn't find you. Had a little panic attack that you'd been taken."

She sighs, shifting her weight to her hands behind her on the dock. "At least I'm not the only one this whole ordeal is messing with."

"What do you mean?"

She kicks at the water, the splash sounding oddly loud in the quiet of the night. "I don't feel like I've slept in days. I've tried to. I want to. But the nightmares are getting to be too much."

He doesn't need to ask to know what the nightmares are about. And even if he did, he's not sure that he'd want to know the specifics, or to put her through them in her waking hours.

"There are sleep aids -" he starts, but is sharply cut off by the shake of her head.

"I'm on enough meds right now as it is," she tells him.

"So then why come out here?" he asks instead. "If you couldn't sleep, I mean. What's the appeal of the dock?"

"I didn't want to wake you. And before you protest and tell me that it would have been okay, I know you haven't been sleeping much either."

She's right about that. He's had plenty of nightmares of his own. Losing her in that freezer, to the bomb, to the sniper. That's why waking up to an empty bed had nearly scared him shitless.

"What can I do?" he asks, willing her to look at him instead of out at the lake. "How can I help?"

She does finally look at him for the first time since he found her down here. She reaches up to cup his face in her hands.

"I don't know if you can."

His chest aches for her. He's not just going to sit back and let her go through all of this alone. He can't. She didn't invite him out here for the summer to sit on the sidelines.

"Beckett, you can talk to me. I've been with you every step of the way."

"You haven't," she says, shaking her head and dropping her hands back down to the dock. "You weren't there when I was 19. You weren't there when I was in the academy or when I was a rookie. And having you there in book form to help me through it all doesn't count. You've been through a lot of it with me, that's true. But you haven't been there since the beginning. We didn't even know each other back then."

His brain sticks to something that she said, focuses on it more than he probably should. "What do you mean I was there in book form?"

"Castle, you know I was a fan of your books long before I met you."

"Yeah, but - they helped you?"

Kate looks back over at him, a soft smile tugging at her lips. "I can't explain it, but they did."

He returns her smile. "So then let me help you now, in person form. I can't help that I haven't been going through this with you since day one. But I've been with you on this ever since Coonan walked into the precinct. I followed you out to L.A., I tried to save you from the sniper. I'm always going to have your back, Kate. You just have to let me in."

She lets her head fall to his shoulder and he wraps one of his arms around her. "You don't want to be inside of my head right now, trust me. But having you out here with me, it really does mean a lot. I don't think there's anyone I trust more than I trust you. And I know that I'm stubborn and that I do a better job at keeping people out than I do at letting them in, but I'm trying. I told you going into this, that I was worried about me pushing you away."

"You haven't pushed me anywhere. I'm here for you. I'm always going to be here for you."

She turns her head up to look at him. "Because you love me?"

Her question catches him off guard, her need for affirmation giving her an almost child-like quality to her tough exterior. But he gives her what she needs, realizing he still hasn't said it when he was sure that she was conscious. He still isn't sure if it freaks her out or not. "Because I love you."

She hums, burrowing back into his shoulder. "I'm falling in love with you too, Castle. A lot harder than I've fallen before."

"I'll be here to catch you when you do," he teases, earning himself a groan and undoubtedly an eye roll.

But just knowing that he has her, that she's not running from this, that's enough for now.


	4. Chapter 4

She stares at the pink, puckered flesh between her breasts in the mirror, wondering how long it will take to go away. Wondering if the scar left behind will ever truly fade or if the reminder will haunt her forever. She gnaws on her lower lip, knowing that she doesn't need the physical reminder for her shooting to haunt her.

Kate hears the bathroom door open and knows that she's been caught. She hears his sharp intake of breath as he appears in the vanity mirror behind her. This is his first time seeing it and it still has a lot of healing to do.

"How's the pain?" he finally manages to ask, his hands bracketing her waist.

"Manageable," she shrugs. "But I just took a pain pill."

"Does it feel like it's tight or itchy?"

"Not yet, but I'm sure it will start to be soon."

"But it's healing though? Getting better?"

She spins in his grip, pressing her palms flat against his chest as his arms tighten on her waist. Concern has been permanently etched into his features ever since she woke up in the hospital, and they only seem to be getting worse with each passing day. She gets short of breath or he wakes without her next to him and he panics. And she has to remind herself that she may have been the one to actually get shot, but he's going through it all same as her. He's imagined a life where she dies on him and now he flinches at her every mention of her mother's case.

He's terrified of losing her and she's terrified of losing herself.

"Yeah, it's getting better. Think you'll write any while I'm at PT?"

Castle seems to consider this for a moment, his gaze lingering a little too long on her scar.

"Do you think it's too on the nose if I have Nikki get shot?"

She knows he works out whatever's going on between them in his books. That much was evident with the first two. But this idea feels too personal.

"A little bit," she confesses.

"Thought so. Maybe I'll shoot Rook instead."

She can't read that. She lives out that horror on a rotating basis of nightmares. She can't stomach him writing about how she would feel if he got shot. The guilt would eat her alive first, she's sure of it.

"Why does anyone have to get shot?" Kate asks.

"Just toying with ideas," he shrugs. "All part of my process. But maybe I'll just go to the store instead until your appointment is over. Did you make a grocery list?"

She nods, almost thankful that he doesn't want to write about what's on his mind right now. "It's in the kitchen."

"Okay good. Now do you want me to help you find a shirt or do you plan to go in your bra?"

Kate huffs at him, entirely too grateful when his playful side returns. "I was debating if I should wear a sports bra or a regular bra because I don't know how vigorous this first session is going to be. But then I got distracted by the sight of my scar and that's when you walked in."

"Pick whichever one you think will irritate your scar the least. I don't think they're going to have you running laps straight out of the gate."

She sighs, residing to keep her regular bra on and reaching for her ratty NYPD T-shirt to put over it. She scrapes her hair up into a messy bun and then heads to the closet to pull out her tennis shoes.

"I'm a fan of the workout Beckett look," Castle muses from his new spot in the doorway. "She's like a very sexy looking slob."

"Watch it," she grumbles while she ties her shoes. "I may not be back at my full strength, but I could still take you down."

"Ooo she's even full of threats."

She stands up, brushing past him out into the hallway. "Yeah. Ones I fully intend to act upon when you least expect it."

"I look forward to it."

* * *

The sky is overcast when she steps out of the physical therapy building. The air is thick with the impending threat of a storm. Storms out here really used to freak her out when she was a kid. She had somehow convinced herself that being by the lake would turn the storm into a hurricane. Her parents had to do everything in their power to distract her. She's sure they were quite relieved when she finally learned about hurricanes in school. After that, she learned to love experiencing storms out here. No longer being afraid of them, she found falling asleep to the low rumbling thunder and pitter patter of the rain rather soothing.

Castle pulls up alongside the curb and she can see that the back is filled with grocery bags. From the looks of it, he definitely went off list.

"Did you leave anything in the store, Castle?" she asks, sliding into the passenger's side.

She's not used to him driving. But at the doctor's orders she's supposed to wait a few more weeks before getting behind the wheel again. And she'd rather be safe than sorry.

"I only needed one of everything," he teases right back. "Plenty of duplicates left for other shoppers."

Kate laughs a little at that before turning her gaze back up to the sky. "It's going to storm soon. I can feel it."

"How bad is it going to get?"

"Well I'm no meteorologist," she starts with a smirk, "but those clouds look pretty ominous."

"Do we have indoor activities planned for the day?" he asks, looking over at her as they hit a red light.

She shoots him a look, sensing the innuendo they still have to wait a few more weeks to act upon.

"Oh I'm sure we'll think of something," Kate sighs.

He grins, accelerating as the light changes. "How was your session?"

"Pretty introductory as I expected. She said we'll do more tomorrow."

"I know you know this, but don't overdo it, okay? It's not going to help you any."

She finds herself wondering if he would still be this concerned if they hadn't gotten together before she was shot. Or if they were just friends and he didn't love her. Because she's never seen him act like this before, and they've had their fair share of brushes with death prior to this. But then she remembers what he told her back in the hospital. About how he'd watched her die in that ambulance. Something that didn't happen when her apartment got blown up or she passed out in that freezer.

She understands why he's suddenly so overprotective. She does. She's way too familiar with dealing with the death of someone close to you. She just wishes there was more she could do to get him to realize that she's okay now. Sure she has nightmares, they both do, but physically her body will continue to heal just fine.

"Babe." There's that pet name again. She's still not sure how that developed or why he still hasn't called her out on it. Maybe he actually likes it. Hopefully he does because she's starting to. "I know my body. I know my limits. I have no intentions to make the pain worse."

That seems to ease him a bit, just as the first raindrop of the storm splashes onto the windshield. They don't beat the rain home. It's pouring by the time Castle pulls up to the cabin.

"Any chance there's an extra umbrella somewhere handy?" he asks, looking into the back seat at his bags upon bags of groceries. "We're gonna get soaked bringing all of these in."

"Let us," she shrugs, pushing open her car door and stepping into the torrential downpour.

The water slips over her skin and she can feel her clothes start to cling to her. She stares up into the abyss from which the droplets fall, closing her eyes and letting it wash over her.

"I had no idea you loved rain this much," she can hear Castle close the car door and yell over the storm.

"When's the last time you went outside and just enjoyed being in the rain?" she calls back to him.

"Um never?" She can hear his laughter and she shakes her head at him.

"I was afraid of thunderstorms when I was little. I always thought they would turn into hurricanes out here and we'd drown. And my mom thought if she could just get me out here in the rain, that I might be able to see the peace behind it instead of the fear. And when I got over that fear, we always used to rush out here in the first moments of a storm before the lightning started and get soaking wet, just so my dad would have an excuse to turn on the fireplace. She'd chase me around and I'd laugh and laugh, jumping in every puddle I could find. Now rainstorms just remind me of her. It's almost cleansing in a way. And right now, I could use some cleansing."

She feels his arms wrap around her from behind and it startles her eyes open with a laugh.

"What are you trying to cleanse yourself from?" he asks against her ear.

"This case. The nightmares. All of it." She spins in his grip, watches as the rain rolls right of his nose. "All of it except for you. You're the one good thing in my life right now, Castle. You're the only thing that's keeping me grounded."

He smiles, bending his head to press a soft kiss against her lips.

"I think the memories associated with this place, with your mom, are helping ground you too," he tells her. "I would love to take all of the credit, but like I told you when we first got here, this place has a life. And it's helping."

The first rumble of thunder adds itself to the music of the rain. Kate looks from Castle back over to the car.

"We should probably carry in the groceries before the lightning starts," she suggests.

"Yeah probably," he agrees. "And then you can teach me how to start that fireplace."

* * *

They sit around the glow of the fireplace, both of them having changed into dry clothes. Kate sits with a blanket across her lap, her hair tugged out of its messy bun and now curling against her shoulders as it dries. He'd been mesmerized by it earlier, watching her finger comb through the strands while she watched the fire crackle to life in front of her. Two days into this vacation or retreat or whatever is, and he's already learning so much more than he knew before. Like today he learned that he loves the look of her natural hair, the way it curls and crimps with a mind of its own. And he can tell that she doesn't by the way she runs her fingers through it every couple of minutes, trying to smooth out the frizz.

"When did you stop wearing your hair like that?" Castle asks.

She pulls a strand between her thumb and index finger, examining the end of it. "High school, I think. Part of that whole trying to fit in thing I suppose. And then I decided that I like my hair better when I style it."

"Well don't feel any pressure to continually style it while we're out here. I like this look on you."

"You like it like this?" she asks, combing her fingers through it yet again. "But it's so frizzy."

He shrugs, stretching his legs out in front of him from his spot on the floor. "I like knowing all of you. Even the parts you try to hide away."

"Well now, that was deep," she laughs.

"I aim to please," he smirks back.

Lightning cracks across the sky, shortly followed by a rather loud burst of thunder. It sparks an old memory from his childhood.

"I remember this thunderstorm we had back in the city when I was about 10 or so," Castle starts. "It caused power outages all over the place and our block was one of places that got hit. And Mother was freaking out because she had a show that night, but she had no idea if the theater still had power or not. Eventually she got a call, thankfully the landlines were still functional, that the show had been postponed due to the outage. So we lit a bunch of candles and stayed up telling ghost stories until the lights came back on. Hers were all theater related, of course, and quite a few of them involved Macbeth, but sometimes I catch myself thinking about that day and wondering if it played a part into my love of mystery."

Kate smiles down at him, her foot sneaking out from under the blanket to nudge his thigh. "I'm sure there were a lot of things that played into your love of mystery. And I don't doubt that was one of them. You and Martha have always been pretty close, haven't you?"

He nods, nudging her foot back with his elbow. "She can be a pain, but I can't even begin to imagine losing her."

"It's not something you'd want to imagine," she sighs, staring back at the fire. "It sucks. And no matter how many years go by, it continues to suck."

"Do you think things will get any easier when you bring her killer to justice?"

She hums, pulling the blanket tighter around her. " _If_ I ever get the opportunity...it might help, but it won't bring her back. And getting the chance to take down her killer just seems to be slipping further and further away these days."

"You starting to doubt your abilities?"

Kate pulls down the v-neck collar of her shirt, exposing her scar. She traces over it with her fingers. "They don't want me looking into this. Gave me this neat little reminder." She lets go of the collar, allowing the shirt to settle back into place. "There's a part of me that wants to drop the whole thing and knows that's what I really should be doing. But I look at those pictures," she pauses looking at the mantle, "and it makes me sick because I _know_ it was more than random gang violence that took her from me. How am I supposed to just sit back and let them get away with it? They tried to shut me up and they failed. It's so much more personal now than it ever was before. Her case has become my case. And I still don't know how I feel about that."

She shakes her head, scrubbing her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry. This conversation started out so light and I had to go and make it all heavy."

Castle pushes himself off of the floor and moves to join her on the couch. "You don't need to apologize. You've been through a lot, you're _going_ through a lot, and you need to work through it all. I'm here to listen and offer my support or advice or whatever it is you need."

She rolls her head along the back of the couch to look over at him. "What do you think I should do?"

"As your partner? Don't back down. As someone who loves you?" He reaches for her hand. "Your life is more important than avenging hers."

"You're no help," she mutters with a smirk, squeezing his hand back.

"Okay, I'll say this. I'm invested in this case now. I want to know who's behind it, I want to see them taken down. I want both you and your mother to get the justice you deserve. But whoever it is has made it pretty damn clear that they don't want to be found out. If you're going to keep digging, if _we're_ going to keep digging, we have to figure out a way to do it without setting off any more alarm bells. I can't watch you die again, Kate. I won't."

She curls into his side. "You have to be careful too. You have your daughter to think about here. I shouldn't be dragging you into all of this."

"Like hell you're doing this without me. I'm already in this."

Another loud crash of thunder outside and he feels her flinch beside him.

"You okay?" Castle asks, skimming a hand up her back.

She nods, curling in closer. "I'll be fine."

"Maybe we should talk about something else for a bit, huh?" he tries, nudging her with his elbow. "I've got plenty of stories involving my mother."

"Ooo yes do tell."

He tells her about the time his mother thought sailing lessons would be a good bonding experience for them, when really it was her way of telling him she had started dating the instructor. And Kate listens to him with such rapt attention, it makes his heart swell. She really does enjoy his stories and he's grateful for that, for her. The more time he spends with her, the more he gets the urge to call the guy they locked up for imitating murders from his books and thank him for allowing their introduction.


	5. Chapter 5

The day is warm. Hot even. The storm system has completely cleared out and taken its chilly air with it. It's finally starting to feel like summer out here. Castle insists that it's a perfect day to hit the lake, despite her protests that the water will still be too cold. But she follows him out to the dock none-the-less, keeping a tank top on over her swimsuit to protect her still healing skin from the sun. She sits on the edge of the dock, dangling her feet in the water, watching in amusement as Castle takes a running jump into the lake. How did she use to describe him? A nine-year-old on a sugar rush? Yeah, that's still accurate.

He resurfaces, rubbing the water out of his eyes before shifting to float on his back.

"How's the water?" she calls out to him.

"Cold, but I'm adjusting. We need to come back when you're all healed up so I can push you into the lake when you're just sitting there like that," Castle teases. "For now, splashing will have to do."

He shifts forward in the lake, sending a wave of water across her lap as he splashes. She hisses as the cool water races across her skin, yelling at him as she fights back by kicking water in his direction. She's almost as wet as he is by the time their splash war subsides. The laughter is still bubbling out of her by time he swims back to the ladder and collapses down on his towel beside her on the dock.

"There," he starts, shading his eyes from the sun with his arm. "I helped you go swimming today."

She tries to kick another splash in his direction, but they're both at the wrong angles for that to work. Instead she finds herself staring down at his bare chest, her eyes tracing over what she's already tried to memorize before she got shot. She finds a scar she's never noticed before, wondering if the sun has brought out its visibility.

"How old were you when you had your appendix taken out?" she asks.

He squints up at her. "What, do you have X-ray vision now?"

She traces over the tiny scar with her index finger. "This is where your appendix is located, isn't it? Or where yours was, assuming that's what this scar is from?"

"I was 14. Really thought I was dying. Mother's dramatics are inherited apparently."

"You're just now figuring that out?" she smirks.

He bats her hand away. "Only surgery I've had, thankfully. What about you?" Castle sits up, staring at her with wide eyes. "Well besides umm -"

She can't help but grin at how flustered he is. "It's okay, Castle, you can say it. Besides the surgery I had to repair the damage from a bullet I took."

"Yeah that."

You know, he's kind of cute when he's flustered. But she learned that months ago with the popped buttons and ice cube innuendos.

"My wisdom teeth were impacted so I had surgery to have them removed. But that was it until now."

"Aww did you have cute little chipmunk cheeks? Are there pictures? Can I see them?"

Kate narrows her eyes at him. "My cheeks did swell a bit but there is no documentation of this, luckily for me."

He huffs, laying back down on his towel. She shifts her towel and scoots back so her legs aren't dangling in the water anymore, laying down next to him.

"I can show you some old family photo albums later though. If you want. I don't know why my dad brought them up here but I spotted them yesterday. No chipmunk cheeks, but still plenty of things for you to mock me for I'm sure."

He turns his head to look over at her. "You're willing to open up your past like that for me?"

"You're at the Beckett Cabin, aren't you? I already have."

* * *

She's tending to the burgers on the grill for lunch, despite his protests that she should let him do it because she needs to rest, while he sits on the patio furniture, flipping through an old photo album she handed him. The leather spine is worn from years of flipping and reminiscing and he's still amazed that he gets to add to the wear.

Kate looks about five or six in these photos, all ready for her first year of school with a backpack almost as big as she is. Her hair is scraped up into an alarmingly high ponytail and she has the biggest grin on her face.

"Okay, Baby Beckett was adorable."

She snorts behind him, tossing a glance over her shoulder. "My dad did my hair on the first day of Kindergarten. Mom had to be out of town for a deposition and she was absolutely livid about it. She instructed Dad to take like a billion photos so she could feel like she was there with me every step of the way."

Castle glances over the next couple of pages. "Well he did an excellent job, I feel like I'm right there with you."

He makes it past the first day of school photos and suddenly it's Halloween in the photo album.

"You were a Dalmatian," he starts trying not to laugh. "You make the cutest puppy."

"I loved the movie 101 Dalmatians, okay? Give me a break, I was five."

"You even have face paint complete with black spots!"

He can hear her sigh behind him. "I had just gotten over the chicken pox, but my face was still a little spotty so my mom turned the spots into more of a costume. See? I told you there was plenty more for you to hold over me than my post wisdom teeth chipmunk cheeks."

"When I was five, my mother dressed me up as a carrot."

Kate spins around and points the grilling tongs at him. "I'm sorry, what?"

"She borrowed it from the costume department from the play she was in. It was the only thing they had in my size."

She chews on her lower lip like she's trying to contain her laughter. "You are so showing me pictures of this when we get back to the city. I've showed you mine, now you have to show me yours."

He laughs, flipping to another page of the album. "Tit for tat, huh?" He looks down at photos from what he assumes to be her sixth birthday party. "You even got a stuffed Dalmatian for your birthday, how cute is that? Do you remember its name?"

"Oh yes, I was very original and creative and named him Spot."

"Amazing."

He takes it all in, absorbs every page, as she finishes cooking lunch. He's learning so much about her just from these photos, delving into much deeper layers of the Beckett onion than he ever thought he'd get past. And he's still blown away that she trusts him with this, with her. That she's opening up her most vulnerable side to him, sharing all of these memories surrounding her mom, and she's not running from it.

He's just made it to summer, Kate being buried up to her neck in sand, when she slides a plate of food in front of him and sits to his left with her own plate. Castle reaches for her hand, drawing her gaze up from the photo album and towards him.

"What?" she asks, when he doesn't say anything immediately. "Did I already manage to get food on my face?"

"No, no, just...thank you."

"For lunch?" she asks, scrunching her eyebrows together. "You're welcome."

"No, not for - well yes, but I meant thank you for letting me in. I know you like to keep these walls up to protect yourself from getting hurt, but they're completely down out here. I just - thank you for trusting me with something so important to you, with your mom."

She squeezes his hand back. "Since you're in this with me now, I figured you should know who we're fighting for. And I want you to know all of me. If you're going to be in love with me, then you should know what you're getting yourself into."

He takes his other hand and tangles it into the still damp curls framing her face. "I know who you are, Kate. And no matter what else I learn about you, I'm still going to love you."

She puffs out a small breath, nudging her forehead against his. "We should eat before it's cold."

"Yeah okay. Right after I do this."

He closes the gap between them, pressing his lips against hers. He's gentle about it, tender, a high contrast from the frenzied way they'd been all over each other in the past. He wants to memorize the way she kisses, imprint it on his brain so he never forgets. The slide of her lips against his, the brush of her fingertips at his jaw, the little mewls he draws out of her when her desire takes hold.

His tongue glides along her lower lip, trying to get her to open her mouth to him. She obliges, letting him deepen the kiss and moaning into his mouth in the process. He doesn't know how they ever got by without existing like this. He never wants to face a reality where he's left without it, without her.

His lips leave hers, in favor of seeking out the bare expanse of her neck. She keeps her eyes closed, that same little mewl escaping past her lips as he grazes his teeth over her skin. He hears her chair squeak, imagines that she's rocking her hips forward, before she starts to push him away.

"Babe, you gotta stop," she says, her eyes still closed. "It's too soon - my heart - you have to stop before I don't want to stop."

He pulls away from her, still gripping her hand in his. She holds her other hand to her chest as she tries to slow her breathing down. Castle reaches out to brush her hair out of her face.

"I'm sorry, did I push you too hard? Are you okay?"

Kate smiles at him. "I'm fine. You're fine. Don't worry. I'm just not quite there yet. I want to be, believe me, but my chest has other ideas."

He strokes his fingers across her hand as he lets go and finally turns his attention to the food.

"I'm good with the kissing," he starts, picking up his burger. "It's doing a fine job of tiding us over."

She tosses him a look before picking up her turkey burger as well. "For you, maybe. I, on the hand, am craving an orgasm."

"Well, if we're being honest here," he starts with a laugh, before taking a bite of food.

"Yeah, uh-huh. I knew it."

"I've waited three years for you, Beckett, I can wait a few more weeks."

She runs her index finger around the rim of her water glass. "Yeah, but it's like now we know what it's like. How it good it is, exactly what we're missing out on..."

Castle keeps laughing. "Okay, I don't think talking about it is helping you any. Let's get back to this photo album. Where's this beach at? Around here somewhere?"

She sighs, picking up her glass for a drink before answering him. "There's a public beach a couple miles up the road. That's where it was taken."

"I see. And who's the one who buried you?"

"Dad. I made him do it."

He keeps eating as he flips through the pages, being careful not to get any food on the album. Kate proudly displaying a sand castle she built, her riding on her dad's shoulders as they watch fireworks burst in the distance, her mom pushing her on the swing, her grinning around a huge slice of watermelon at this very table. The epitome of summer through a young Kate Beckett's eyes.

"This is more background for Nikki Heat than you bargained for, huh?" Kate asks watching him, her tone full of amusement. "I bet you never expected to learn this much when you started writing that first book."

Castle laughs. "Well I never expected my muse to fall in love with me either and here we are. Wait, do you still hate it when I call you my muse?"

"I don't find it as jarring as I used to, no. It's growing on me, I guess."

"You guess," he huffs. "You know, I could easily find someone else willing to be my muse."

He sees something spark in her eyes, before he feels the press of her toes at his ankle.

She hums. "No, you couldn't. You'd miss me too much. And Nikki."

He seeks out her hand on the table again with another laugh. "Yeah, you're right. You're all the inspiration I need. Even if you still haven't completely warmed up to being called my muse."

She squeezes his hand before releasing it in favor of her turkey burger again. "You're a one muse, kind of a guy, buddy. And don't you forget that."

"Never, never," he laughs, returning his focus to the photos. "I take back my joke, okay? You're irreplaceable. I mean just look how cute you are hanging upside from the monkey bars."

"I'm making Martha show me old photo albums when we get home, you realize that don't you?" she asks, patting his knee before taking a sip of water.

He sighs, turning to another page. "I was afraid of that."


	6. Chapter 6

The night is clear and she's insistent on finding a patch of grass free from the cover of trees so they can take in the stars. Their visibility is stunning out here, especially when compared to what they look like back in the city. She carries a blanket out in her arms, Castle trailing behind her with some old radio he found in the basement. He keeps fiddling with the dials and antenna to try and get a signal while she spreads the blanket out on the grass. He manages to get a country station to come in and shrugs, leaving it on softly in the background as he lays down on his back next to her.

"I love the lights of the city," he says quietly. "But sometimes I think I enjoy the lights of the stars more."

"I never realize how many of them there truly are. Out here they look infinite."

They lay there in silence, side by side, taking in the mass expanse of sky and listening to the random radio station Castle was able to pick up.

 _I'm inside out shot through the center_

 _Feel this scar of where you entered_

 _Took my life and turned it upside down_

 _I'm burned to ashes split down the middle_

 _If anyone asks it hurt just a little_

 _I died inside the day I let you go_

 _But I will never let you know_

She's never heard this song before and yet she's taken aback by how strongly the words affect her. They're triggering a memory, _a feeling_ , she has long since tried to repress. One that strings along with it a whole slew of emotions she doesn't feel entirely stable enough to process right now. Knowing that she's felt the way this songwriter has before and that those feelings had been associated with Castle, eat at her a little bit And she's never liked admitting it to herself. That the day he left for the Hamptons with Gina, she let him go without a fight and it hurt like hell. It hurt in a way she never expected to feel because of him and that terrified her. And she believed she could never tell him any of this because it would never work between them and she will have ruined one of the few great things in her life. But yet here they are, and he still doesn't know...

"Are you listening to these lyrics?" she whispers softly, diving in head first.

"Yeah, they're pretty, aren't they?"

"Pretty?" She blinks in astonishment. "They're heartbreaking. It's like she fell in love and he left before she ever told him. I've been there. It sucks."

He turns his head to look at her instead of up at the sky. "Who was the guy?"

She keeps her gaze trained on the stars, debating if she really wants to go there after all. She could make someone up, play it off as some college heartbreak or something. But she resolves that she brought up the lyrics so he would know. He'd said that he wanted to know all of her, and the parts of her concerning him were probably a good place to start. "You."

That has him sitting upright and blocking her view so she'll look at him. She stares up into his eyes, butterflies starting to swarm in her stomach. She doesn't want to guilt trip him here, doesn't want him to feel responsible for pain that she only brought on herself. But they should talk about this; he should know.

"What are you talking about? When did I - Kate?"

She draws her lower lip between her teeth. "Last summer. I was going to go to the Hampton's with you. And love is probably too strong of a word for back then, but...I just let you leave with Gina without saying anything. I didn't realize how much I cared even until I saw you two together and realized it hurt. I thought back over the past year after that, realized I'd felt a similar twinge when Kyra showed up. And that was the moment I knew something existed between us, something that actually scared me a little when I felt it. And these lyrics...you _did_ turn my life upside down. It just took me a while to realize that was actually a good thing. But I guess I just - I know what it's like to lose someone to somebody else before you ever get the chance."

He stares at her for a moment like he's trying to find the right words to respond. She's almost worried that she's spooked him.

"You were going to say yes," he breathes. "I could have had you a whole year sooner and instead I tried to make it work again with my ex-wife. How could I have not seen that?"

She reaches up to cup his jaw, stroking her fingers against the stubble that's started to form there.

"I wasn't exactly easy to read or open about anything. Don't blame yourself, Castle. This one's on me for not speaking up when I should have. I - last summer sucked just a little bit."

"Worse than getting shot?" She can hear the unspoken "too soon" in his voice, like he instantly regrets trying to make a joke out of the recent events.

But she smirks at him, easing his worry. "Ha, well I didn't have you with me so maybe a little."

He settles back down at her side, but keeps himself propped up on an elbow. His attention is still on her and not the infinite stars above them. "Why didn't you say anything? Why did you start dating Josh after I broke up with Gina?"

She props herself up on an elbow too so she's at his eye level.

"I don't know. I didn't think we would work I guess. I had a lot of time to think without you around that summer. Got it in my head that we weren't compatible. We don't make sense on paper."

"We don't live our lives on paper."

Kate gives him a small smile. "I came around, didn't I?"

He sighs, shifting his weight forward so his forehead bumps against hers.

"I know what it's like too," he tells her. "To watch someone who's left an imprint on your life and possibly even on your heart be with someone else."

She closes her eyes, nudging her nose against his. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I should have waited for you to respond. I just - I never thought you would actually say yes to me, to this. I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you feel like the lyricist of this song. But you're stuck with me now. I'm never letting go."

"You better not. I'm not losing you to someone else ever again."

"You won't have to, Kate. I'm yours."

She blows out a breath as the last line of the song finishes. A more upbeat songs begins to play with the opening chords coming from a banjo.

"Maybe it's better this way," she tells him. "I find myself wondering sometimes about us getting together so soon and wondering if our relationship would have lasted. And sometimes I think we would have ended that summer hating each other. There was still a lot about each other that year that rubbed the other person the wrong way. And I just wonder if we would have been so willing to accept all the faults without knowing what we know now. I think you giving your last marriage another shot, and me trying to date and fall in love with someone else helped push us to where we are today."

He's quiet for a moment before blowing out a deep breath of his own. "A wise man once said that life is a journey, not a destination."

"Emerson?"

"I find it kind of hot that you know that."

She hums, remembering an old conversation of theirs. "Just like fallacious, huh?"

He laughs, probably remembering the same moment. "Yes, just like that."

Kate laughs too, looking back up at the stars. This time around, she's not letting go.

* * *

The physical therapy is becoming more and more strenuous, taking a bigger toll on her body and on her energy. And it would be fine, good even, except for that fact that she feels completely exhausted all the time because she can't sleep. The PT is getting worse and so are the nightmares.

Tonight they're so bad, she wakes up screaming, instantly startling Castle awake beside her. The screams subside into tears as the fear from her sleep still grips at her chest. She's starting to hyperventilate, and Castle is trying everything he knows how to do to calm her down. Rubbing her back, telling her it's okay, that she's safe, that they both are.

But he's wrong. She's not. Neither of them are. Not when the sniper is still out there with no known identity. Not when her mother's killer wants her to join her in the grave. Not when they don't have any answers or leverage.

"Kate, honey, I need you to breathe," Castle tries. "You're safe. Please just breathe."

She can't do this. She can't. She's going to get him killed, she's going to get both of them killed. She can't.

"Kate." His voice is sterner this time.

Right, okay, breathing. Not going to die from this. She forces air into her lungs, nearly coughing on it as she refocuses on her surroundings. She's at the cabin, not the cemetery. It's just the two of them, no one else. They're both alive, no one died.

"Normally I don't ask, but this time I'm too concerned not to," Castle tells her, still stroking his hand up and down her back.

She doesn't like talking about her nightmares, but she almost wonders if her not talking about them is what's making them worse.

"When you...when you tried to save me from the bullet, it hit you instead. And wherever it hit...the doctors couldn't save you."

She watches his eyes soften. "Kate -"

"I've had this dream before," she cuts him off. "Several times. I don't know why it affected me like this tonight. I don't -"

She shakes her head, scraping her hand through her hair.

"Maybe it was the conversation we had before bed?"

"No, no that wouldn't do it, it's just - they're getting worse, feeling more realistic. I woke up with you next to me and it still took me a minute to sort out the reality. That I wasn't just dreaming that you were alive, that the dream had been you dying."

The concern she'd worked so hard to erase from his features the past couple of days is back and deeper than ever. This is why she doesn't talk about the nightmares.

"Maybe you should talk to someone, like a psychiatrist or something," he offers, gently. "Someone who knows better ways to help you than just me telling you it's okay."

"I have to. It's part of protocol to return to work after getting shot."

"Well that's good, right? Maybe they can help you with the nightmares, get them to stop? They can help you to heal beyond the PT and the magic of this place."

"What are they going to say to me or get me to admit that will lessen the gravity of this situation? Someone out there wants me dead. I won't feel safe until I take them down."

"They don't have to solve all of your problems, but at the very least they could get you to sleep at night."

"You don't sleep either. You're already awake half of the time when I wake up from a nightmare."

"Then maybe I should see one too."

"Me dying," she says softly. "That's what keeps you up at night, isn't it?"

He's stays quiet for a moment, and that's enough of an answer for her really, but he finds words after all.

"These people. Whoever it is that hired Coonan and Lockwood and the sniper. I don't know how determined they are to keep you from digging. Was the sniper supposed to be a warning? An 'if you stop, we'll stop?' Or are they just going to keep gunning until you're dead? Do they know we're out here? Alone? With me as your only backup? I lay awake at night and think about if someone were to come through those doors right now trying to kill you, what could I possibly do to stop them? And most of the time, I come up with nothing."

"Castle -"

"I'm scared all of the time, just like I know you are. And I want to find us a way out of it all, just as badly as you do but I have no idea where to start."

She scoots closer to him in bed, draping herself over him. "Sounds like your headspace is just as messed up as mine is right now. I never meant to drag you into all of this with me."

"Dive in together, remember?" he asks, holding her tighter against him. "Maybe our next order of business should be diving into finding a psychiatrist for us out here. We could both use the extra sleep sooner rather than later."

She nods, readjusting her head against his chest. "We're gonna get through this, right? End up on the other side without the constant fear and bad dreams?"

"I hope so, Kate. I really do."


	7. Chapter 7

She's making pancakes by the time he manages to crawl out of bed and join her in the kitchen. Their conversation last night about their lack of sleep must have resonated with the sleep center of his brain or something because he's been out like a rock ever since. And now it's 10:30 AM. Judging by the spread of food on the table, the same affect was not present for Kate.

"How long have you been up?" he asks, sliding into one of the chairs at the table, all the while having flashbacks to when her apartment blew up.

"A while," she answers, transferring the pancakes from the griddle onto a plate.

"Did you sleep at all?"

He's watching her, looking for an answer her body language might give away that her voice will not.

"An hour. Maybe two."

She shrugs it off, bringing the plate over to the table before going back to the counter for her coffee.

"Another nightmare?"

A quick shake of her head before lifting her cup to her lips. "One more week of this decaf crap."

Is he supposed to push for an answer here? Or let her avoid his question? He'll push once, he decides. If she deflects again, he'll move on.

"I wasn't snoring was I?" Castle jokes, half-heartedly.

"Wasn't you. Chest pains."

His eyebrows furrow. "Still? I thought -"

She's shaking her head again. "Go ahead, dig in. Of course, it's so hot outside today if we just bring the food outside I doubt it'll get cold."

More deflection. So he backs off, for now, making a mental note to check in with her about her pain again later.

"How hot is hot?" he asks, spearing a pancake with his fork.

"High of 95."

"Wow yeah okay, summer is here and ready to go."

She laughs a little at that, reaching for the bowl of cantaloupe. "Heat wave rolling through this week. Then back to the 80s on Sunday."

"You know I thought you said something the other day ago about not being a weatherman but uh -"

Kate chucks a grape at him and he huffs when it lands in his syrup.

"And I told you I've been up for a while," she replies. "Plenty of time to check the weather."

* * *

The coldness of the lake is a welcome reprieve from the heat today. Castle makes it his personal mission to splash Kate every time he jumps in, since she's still sidelined and sitting out in the heat. Usually, she splashes him back with her foot when he resurfaces.

"How long until you can actually join me in here?" he calls up to her, draping his arms over the old pool noodle he found in the basement.

"One more week."

"That's the magic number isn't? One more week until you can switch back to regular coffee. One more week until you can swim. One more week until we can have sex again."

That earns him another foot splash.

"Four weeks after surgery, that's what my doctor said. As long as I feel up to it."

"So in the meantime, you just have to sit there and suffer?"

"You've splashed me enough times, I'm really not that hot."

"No, I wasn't referring to the heat," he starts with a smirk. "I meant suffering by seeing me here shirtless and not being able to do anything about it."

She splashes him again. "Man, next week can't come fast enough just so I can take your ego down a notch."

He laughs, paddling of out of her splash range with his pool noodle in tow.

"I have an idea though, if you're up for it," Castle tells her.

"What kind of idea?"

"Oh it's just this one thing, with ice cubes..."

Kate snorts. "I'm not doing that. Not today."

Castle laughs. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Beckett. This isn't a sex thing, it's a it's 95 degrees outside and you can't get in the lake thing."

Now she just looks confused. "What are you going to do? Put ice cubes down my shirt?"

He laughs again. "No just - trust me. It's going to be fun."

* * *

"You have a swimsuit top under that tank right?" Castle asks, once he has her seated at an old wooden picnic table under the shade of one of the many tall trees.

"Yes," she answers slowly. "Castle, what -"

"Okay good, take off your shirt."

She spins to look at him. "How is this not a sex thing?"

"It isn't, you'll see."

She narrows her eyes at him, but slips the tank top off over her head, and turns so her back is facing him again. She can hear him rummaging around with a bucket of what she assumes to be ice. She's trying to decide how quickly she could run away if his big idea was to simply douse her in ice water, when she feels the cool sting of an ice cube against her neck. It instantly sends a shiver down her spine.

"You don't want the details I'm sure," he starts, rubbing the ice down over her shoulder blade, "but I've found this to be an excellent way to cool off in the city when the air goes out and you're about ready to kill each other."

"Who are you trying to kill?" she asks, as he trails the ice down her arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

"Well no one right now, but when you live with Kyra - you know what? Never mind."

The ice cube melts away between his fingers and her wrist, and he bends to scoop another one from the bucket and repeat the path on her other shoulder and arm.

"Cooling you off any?" he asks, his lips against her ear.

She hums in agreement, letting her eyes slip closed at the sensation of his touch. The next cube trails down the length of her spine and curves over her left hip.

"You're wrong," she murmurs, as the ice slips over her thigh. "This is 100 percent a sex thing."

"It didn't start out that way," he confesses as the third cube melts against her skin. "But I'd forgotten how hard it is to keep my hands off of you."

A fourth cube, circling over her right hip bone, dipping beneath the fabric of the bottom half of her swimsuit. Her hips jerk to meet the ice, to meet his hand.

"When this one melts, it's your turn," she tells him.

He grumbles in protest, sliding the cube up her stomach and chest, avoiding her scar, and letting it melt in the crook of her neck.

"Come on, you have to be hot too."

She gets up and digs an ice cube out of the bucket and drags it across his back, instinctively chasing the trail with her lips.

"Now who's making it a sex thing?" he grunts.

She laughs, draping her arms over his shoulders from behind and letting the ice melt against one of his pectorals.

"Sorry, habit," Kate says with a small laugh.

"Habit? Do you use ice in bed a lot?"

"No, no, not a lot."

"But you have before?"

"Do you want me to go back to the part where Kyra came up and I let it go?"

"Ahem, right okay, carry on."

"That's what I thought."

She unwraps herself from his shoulders and moves back to her spot on the bench, dragging the bucket of ice with her to place in between them.

"Are you setting up a barrier to keep yourself from jumping me now?" he teases.

"No, I just have other plans for it."

"Oh yeah? And what are those?"

"You sure you want to know?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Well, if you insist."

She lifts the bucket and dumps the remaining ice water on his head before tossing the bucket to the side and sprinting away.

"That was completely rude and totally uncalled for," Castle yells after her as he chases her down the hill.

He easily catches up to her, as her stamina still hasn't fully returned, and gently tackles her to the ground, pressing his icy cold skin against hers. She squirms under him, laughing as the cold water from his hair drips onto her chest. He pins her arms above her head, and bends to kiss her, even the skin of lips being a cool contrast to the summer heat. Her legs move to wrap around his waist, pressing him even closer to her. His hips rock against her once before he stops himself and focuses all of his energy on the kiss. His icy skin is warming against hers, and she just wants more of him, wants her body and her health to be okay with taking more of him. She needs -

"Shit, ow."

Castle stops what he's doing instantly, as she mutters the words against his lips. "Did I do something? Are you okay?"

"Not you. I think there's a rock, digging into my back."

He rolls off of her and she sits up, turning to find the rock she must have rolled onto as they shifted in the grass.

"There's a little scrape," he tells her, running his index finger over the small red mark on her lower back. "I could get you some ice for that."

"Nice try, Castle, but you will not be dumping ice water on me today."

"Oh, I already have my revenge planned for next week. You better watch your back, Beckett."

"I thought your job was to watch it for me?"

He laughs as he stands and extends his hands to help her up as well. "Most of the time, that is my job, yes. But seeing as how we're on vacation, I deserve a day off."

"Just remember who you're messing with here, Castle. I'm not that easily surprised."

"Oh we'll see about that," he teases, linking his arm through hers and leading her back to the house. "But for now, I will settle for a glass of lemonade as an apology for that uncalled for cold shower."

She lingers in the doorway to the house, watching him try to dry off his hair with his beach towel.

"Hey, Castle?"

He lets the towel fall over his shoulders as he looks to her expectantly.

"The chest pains, last night, not about the surgery. I'm healing fine."

"Then -"

"I think it was anxiety. Got it in my head that any minute someone was going to burst through the front door and try to finish me off. Umm, hopefully we won't need it, but my backup piece is in the nightstand by my side of the bed."

"I shouldn't have put that thought in your head last night, I'm sorry."

She shakes her head. "You didn't. It's been there. I'll uh - I'll go get that lemonade now. It's just you asked this morning and -"

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Kate. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."

She nods once. "I think -" She takes a deep breath and nods again. "I think I'm getting there."

* * *

AN: I want to apologize for taking over two months to update. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that I took the MCAT and applied for medical school this summer, so I've spent the majority of it studying and writing application essays. It's out of my hands now as everything is being reviewed, which means I have my free time back for the moment and I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing. If you're still with me, thank you for your patience. ~Emily


	8. Chapter 8

He sets the mug of coffee down in front of her, waiting to be greeted by her mischievous grin. Today marks the first day of freedom in her healing process. That magical number her doctor kept throwing around when it would be okay for her to start resuming certain daily activities like caffeine intake for instance. _It all starts with the caffeine_ , he thinks with a mischievous grin of his own. But she doesn't look up from the newspaper, doesn't even acknowledge him. Castle takes a seat at the table next to her, nudging the mug in her direction.

"Happy Magic Number Day," he tells her, trying to hint at the fact that this coffee is no longer decaf.

But she still seems lost in thought, her mind focused on whatever _The New York Times_ is telling her.

"What is it?" he asks, reaching out to place his hand over hers gripping the paper and trying to peer at whatever article she's reading.

"String of murders in Manhattan. Press thinks they're related, that there's a serial killer on the loose. NYPD won't comment. I should be there, Castle. These are my people, my precinct -"

"Ryan and Esposito know how to do their jobs. And I'm sure whoever the new captain is that 1PP assigned to take over for Montgomery knows how to do his job too."

"Her job," Kate corrects. "The boys said our new captain is a woman."

"I'm sure she's fully competent."

"Yeah, sure," she shrugs.

"The role to protect the city does not fall solely on your shoulders, Beckett. I hate to break it to you, but you're not Batman."

She sighs, one hand dropping the paper to curl around his wrist. "I just feel useless out here. I need to get back to my life."

"This past month hasn't been your life?"

"No, I - I didn't mean..." she trails off, dropping the paper the rest of the way to cover his hand with both of hers. "My life, _our_ life, isn't hiding up here in the Catskills trying to get our shit together. You have a daughter to get back to, and a good chunk of your next book to turn into Paula. And I have murderers to catch. I've loved spending time out here with you, and we still have a few more weeks that will be even better now that I'm able to be more...active. But this isn't our life, Castle. We belong back at the 12th catching whoever this is," she gestures at the paper, "and figuring out who the hell shot me."

"You can take the detective out of the precinct, but you can't take the detective out of the woman."

"It's just who I am, Castle. You've known that as long as you've known me."

"No, I know. Doesn't make me any more comfortable about you following a trail that leaves everyone on it dead in its wake, but I know you are who you are."

"I beat their attempt at my death. They don't have to know I'm still looking."

"You seriously don't think you're going to have a tail on you the second you set foot back in the city? They're going to be watching your every move to see if another assassination attempt is necessary. You can't give them any reason to pull that trigger again."

"I can let it go for a while. Let them think that I've dropped it. But you know as well as I do, that this case always finds a way to end up back in my interrogation room. I stopped looking for it, and it showed up anyway. I don't expect to have all of the answers right away this fall. We could still be years away from knowing the truth. But I can't keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of my life. I need all of this over to feel safe again."

"I'm on your side, Kate. I'm not trying to get you to drop it forever. I'm just asking you to look before you jump."

Her hands release his wrist and move to curl around the still warm mug in front of her. "This is why I need to go back to work, I need the job as a distraction. Out here all I can do is think about it."

"Then allow me to distract you," Castle says, folding up the newspaper. "Start by drinking your fully caffeinated coffee and we'll go from there."

"I know you have good intentions but it's not going to be that easy." She takes a sip of coffee and nearly purrs as it meets her tongue. "Oh I've missed you."

"You having a coffee orgasm over there? Want me to leave you two alone?"

She shoots him a look before taking another sip.

"Look, I know this place is filled with your mother and it can't be easy, especially not right now, but - just give me the day. Allow me to take your mind off of things."

"You know, I know my heart is doing better, but I don't know if a full day spent in bed -"

"You live in the gutter, you know that, right?"

"Only because you're there to keep me company."

* * *

"You're not going to tell me where we're going, are you?" Kate asks, side-eyeing him from the passenger seat of the car.

"Nope."

"Or why you insisted on me bringing a change of clothes?"

"Nope."

"Are you kidnapping me from my own family cabin?"

"Is it kidnapping if you came willingly?"

"Depends on how long you plan to keep me hostage."

He laughs softly as her gaze shifts back out the window, trying to figure out their destination from their surroundings.

"Have you ever been up here during the fall?" Castle asks. "I bet it's beautiful with all of these trees changing colors. It's beautiful now just with everything a uniform green."

"I haven't, but my dad has. He probably has pictures if you'd like to see them."

He nods, pulling into a small, gravel parking lot which contains only three other cars. The area is completely shrouded in trees and it's a dead end save for the footpath that leads who knows where.

"You brought me here to go hiking?" Kate asks, stepping out of the car and eyeing the overnight bag in the backseat. "We're not really prepared for camping..."

"Just a half a mile walk, and all of your questions will be answered," he tells her, opening the backseat door and slinging the bag over his shoulder.

"Castle -"

He extends his hand to her and pulls her toward the footpath. "Trust me."

Leaves and twigs crunch under their feet as they make their way down the dirt path, their fingers still intertwined. She finds herself wishing for bug spray as she swats a mosquito away from her face and slaps another that tries to land on the back of Castle's neck.

"Hey," Castle grunts. "There are easier and much more satisfying ways to give me a bruise on my neck you know."

"A. There was a mosquito. You're welcome for not letting it bite you. And B. are you asking me to give you a hickey?"

"Ah come on, Beckett. When was the last time you made out like a couple of horny teenagers?"

"That's all we've been doing lately," she laughs nudging him with her elbow.

It's cool under the shade of the trees and the ground is damp from a combination of rainfall and the surrounding environment. There's a crow overhead, keeping a watchful eye of its nest, crowing as they get closer to its home tree. They come to a wooden bridge and stop there for a moment to watch the steady stream of water flow beneath.

Castle bends to the ground and picks up two sticks. "Pick one."

She stares at him quizzically. "To do what with?"

"Race. We're going to drop them on this side of the bridge, and see whose comes out first on the other side."

A small smile tugs at her lips. "Fine. But I find my own stick."

"Suit yourself," he shrugs, dropping his less favorable stick back on the bridge.

She wanders ahead and comes back with a stick about the same size as his but with less tiny branches sticking off of it. "More aerodynamic," she tells him.

"We'll see about that," he replies turning back to the stream. "Okay drop them on the count of three, ready? One, two, three!"

They release their sticks and rush to the other side to look for them.

"Any second now," Castle mutters.

"Water's not moving as fast as you thought it was, huh?" Kate asks, watching him more than she's watching the water.

"Ooo there!" He points down at the stream. "That's mine, I win!"

"That isn't yours, that one's mine."

"No, nope yours is over there," he says pointing off to the side.

"That one is way too big, no. This one is mine."

"I don't think so," he says, shaking his head and already starting to walk backwards down the rest of the bridge before turning to run. "Better luck next time."

"Such a sore loser," she teases, chasing after him. "Stop trying to run from me, Castle, we already learned last week you can't win."

He stops when he gets to the edge of the clearing, and she nearly runs into him, her shoulder brushing across his back.

"What is it?"

But then she sees what he's looking at: the lighthouse.

"Castle -"

"The Saugerties Lighthouse was originally built in 1869 and became automated in the 1950s. Now it serves as a museum and a two bedroom bed and breakfast. One of which is ours for the night."

She gazes up at him, wide-eyed. "Castle -"

"You needed a night out of that cabin full of family history, Kate. And this place has been on my New York state bucket list for years. Plus, I've heard it's pretty romantic and the chef makes a great chicken pot pie on occasion."

She snakes her arms around his torso, hugging him from the side, while keeping her gaze trained on the lighthouse. "Thank you."

He bends his head and kisses the top of her hair. "See? I told you I could provide distractions."

* * *

AN: Thank you all so much for the warm wishes after last chapter! Here's hoping it all works out :)


	9. Chapter 9

They close the remaining distance between the path and the lighthouse, approaching the small picnic area housed under a gazebo. The wooden picnic tables that sit underneath are old and weathered, with names carved into their tabletops. _Mike and Karen 2001. Tyler was here. Pat and Sue 4Eva._

"Looks like this place comes with its own history," Castle says, tracing his fingers around a heart framing _Lisa + Kyle._ "I kind of like that they haven't tried to sand away all of the people who wanted to leave their mark. It's like a guest book."

"Maybe they've tried," Kate shrugs, eyeing a word so faded it's no longer legible and pointing it out to him. "But people kept doing it, so they gave up."

He huffs, moving closer to the shoreline to get a view of the water.

She follows him, curling into his side to enjoy the view. "I'm not trying to burst your bubble, just making an observation."

"Ever the detective," he breathes into her hair.

Kate nudges him back, "Ever the writer."

They share a moment of silence, holding each other and watching the waves crash up against the rocks. He's the one to speak first, leading off of her writer comment.

"I shot Rook," Castle says quietly, so much so she's not even sure if she heard him right over the sounds of the river.

"Does he survive?"

He nods, but doesn't say anything else, almost as though he's anticipating further protest from her.

"You know I have nightmares about that," she responds at last when she can't take his silence any longer. "Why would you -"

"I couldn't shoot Nikki. I tried. But it was too real. I couldn't relive-"

"I don't want to relive the nightmares anymore than you want to relive the real thing."

"I'm still trying to work through all of this, Kate. This is how I do that, _writing_ is how I do that, and you know it."

She burrows deeper into his side. "You're going to have to be there, in the room, in the bed, wherever, when I read it."

"To hold your hand?"

"To help my subconscious separate you from Rook."

He places a kiss at her temple.

"Honeymoon?"

The voice from behind them startles them apart as they turn to locate its owner. A stout couple looking to be in their 70s smiles back. The woman speaks again.

"Pardon me for prying, but the way you two are all cozied up over there is just so reminiscent of those newlywed days."

Castle exchanges a look with Kate. "Oh no, we're not -"

"Marge, will you leave the poor kids alone?" the man asks before turning back to them. "Ignore her, she gets a little nostalgic every anniversary."

"Don't you go around telling people to ignore me. It's a wonder I've put up with you for 45 years."

Kate tries to hide her smile with the back of her hand.

"45 years, that's impressive," Castle tells them. "Is today your anniversary?"

"It's tomorrow actually," Marge says proudly. "See, Tim? I'm not bothering them. But enough about us, you're not newlyweds then?"

"Uh no," Kate answers her. "We've actually only been dating for a few months now."

"Yeah, but we were friends for three years first," Castle adds.

"Friends?" Kate asks with a smirk.

"What would you call it then?"

"There really isn't a term to describe that first year and a half. Partners is a good one for after that period though."

"Oh come on, I would have called us friends."

"Right from the start? I don't think so."

"I'll tell you one thing," Tim interrupts. "They bicker like an old married couple."

Castle laughs as Kate ducks her head while a blush threatens to color her cheeks.

"I'll tell you another," Marge says with a wink. "I think they're going to make it just fine. So what brings you kids up here if it's not an anniversary or honeymoon? Looking for a weekend getaway to spice things up a little?"

There's another laugh from Castle, while Kate continues to shake her head in embarrassment.

"It's kind of a long story," Castle offers. "But weekend getaway about sums it up."

"But -" the woman starts, before her husband cuts her off.

"Now, Marge, you got your answer. Don't be prying any further into their personal lives."

She waves him off. "I think those years of friendship did you good. A few months into the real thing, and already so in love. When's the wedding?"

"Marge," Tim groans, trying to guide her away.

"We're not quite there yet," Castle answers with another small laugh.

"But you love him, don't you? I have an eye for these things you know."

Kate looks up at him. "Yes, I do. Very much."

Marge claps her hands. "See, Tim? What'd I tell you? I'm always right."

He shakes his head, trying to guide her back toward the path. "You folks enjoy your time. Sorry to bother you."

"No bother at all, it was nice meeting you," Castle says with a wave as Tim finally gets his wife to come with him.

"You make a lovely couple," Marge calls over her shoulder just before they disappear back into the trees.

Castle turns back to Kate with a grin on his face. "You hear that? We're adorable."

"I think the word she used was lovely."

"Hmm yes, but if Marge thinks we're going to make it, then it must be true. She has an eye for this sort of thing you know."

"Stop," Kate laughs, playfully shoving him away from her.

"So for the wedding, I was thinking spring. If we want the Plaza we should book now even without actually being engaged, that place fills up quick."

"You're ridiculous."

She starts to head toward the lighthouse, and he trails behind her, still rambling.

"Now for color patterns, you've always liked the color purple, right? What goes good with that? Grey?"

She spins and holds a hand up to his chest, stopping him. "Are you proposing? Right now, is that what's happening?"

"I - no."

"Okay then stop planning our fictitious wedding."

She turns again and continues her path toward the lighthouse. He jogs to catch up with her, cutting her off at the entrance.

"Do you want me to be proposing right now?"

"Castle, we haven't even been dating for a full year yet."

"Yeah, yeah I know, I was just...checking."

She reaches up to kiss him on the cheek. "I'm in no rush to get married, babe. Let's just keep enjoying all this time to ourselves before we have to go back and rejoin the world."

"You mean the world isn't just you and me and a couple of cute old people?"

Kate smirks at him. "For now it is. Come on, let's go find our room."

* * *

Castle drops the duffle bag off by the rocking chair in the corner while Kate sits down on the edge of the bed and smoothes her hands across the quilt.

"I like this place," he says admiring the decorating around them. "Very rustic."

"The bed's soft," she tells him, laying down and staring up at the slow whir of the ceiling fan.

He sits on the edge with her and lays back as well, their legs still hanging over the edge with their feet flat on the floor. "So it is."

She turns her head to look at him. "What does Nikki do when she finds out Rook got shot?"

Castle keeps his gaze trained on the ceiling fan. "She blames herself at first. Keeps thinking about how she's the cop and she should have kept him away from all of this. And she's sitting in the waiting room, waiting for any sort of news they'll give her since she isn't family. And she lets her mind wander, thinking about how in a weird way, he is her family. And she needs him to wake up so she can tell him that. Because somehow, some way, she managed to fall for the guy."

"Sounds about right," she says softly.

He stops starting at the ceiling fan and looks over at her. "That waiting room is the hardest place to be."

She reaches out for his hand and pulls it over her chest, resting it above her heart. "I'm alive. You don't have to worry about being in that waiting room anymore."

"Good. Because I have no plans to go back."

She scoots closer to him to kiss him, soft and gentle. It's almost tentative, like she's trying to gauge where he is in his headspace right now. He pulls away only to slide further up the bed so he's not hanging off the edge, and guides her up toward the pillows with him.

"Want something that will compete with that coffee orgasm you had earlier this morning?" Castle teases, already tugging at the hem of her shirt.

"More than you know," she grins, allowing him to pull her shirt off over her head.

He traces his index finger around the outline of her scar and she watches him take it in. It's healed more since the last time he saw it, but it still looks jagged and ugly. He traces over it again, before bringing his lips to it, feathering them over the puckered skin.

"You may hate it, but I'm grateful this scar exists. It's there because you survived. You're alive."

"I'm alive," she nods, cupping his face in her hands, a grin spreading across her face. "Now make me feel like it."

* * *

AN: This chapter is on the shorter side because I'm debating doing an M rated insert to finish up this scene. It's something I do hope to get to, so make sure you have me on alert if you're interested, as I'll be posting it as a separate story like I did with FAE, so readers who aren't don't have to deal with skipping over it. :) Wow, that was a run-on sentence. Have a good night/day guys!


	10. Chapter 10

His touch is like fire against her skin, igniting a month's worth of desire as he moves over her. She's missed this so much, missed him like this. She doesn't feel so broken and scared when he holds and touches her this way. Things feel almost normal again as she comes undone for him, cursing and mewling, his name a whisper on her lips. She's still vibrating with arousal, craving and needing more. The distraction it serves from everything else, the sensation that fills her up which leaves her feeling full and happy - she doesn't want it to stop.

Castle seems just as entranced by her, like he's trying to relearn and rememorize every inch. She's overwhelmed by it - just how much he loves her, how much she loves him in return. Of course their relationship extends so much further than the physical, but when they're together like this, their feelings feel so much more amplified.

She comes undone again, this time taking him with her. Even after their release, she refuses to leave the comfort of his arms or the pillow of his chest. He is her safe place, she decides in that moment, and she never wants to leave it. As long as she's with him, no matter where they are, she'll feel safe. He has her back and that's never going to change.

"Castle?" she asks when neither of them has spoken, suppressing a yawn as her tiredness threatens to creep in.

He hums in response, twisting her hair in between his fingers where it falls at her back.

"Is it still going to be like this back in the city, when we're forced to let the rest of the world back in?"

"I sure hope so. I'm not willing to part with this."

"Neither am I," she agrees, readjusting her position against him. "You're stuck with me now."

"Funny. All this time I've been thinking that you're the one who's stuck with me."

"Ah yes, my plucky sidekick," she says with a small laugh.

"I appreciate the promotion," Castle says, kissing the top of her head.

"Promotion huh? What's your new title?"

"Well according to Marge, it's future fiancé. But partner will do."

"Who knows, Castle. Someday I might get you proposing for real."

* * *

She's not at his side when he wakes. It catches him off guard for a moment, the way they had fallen asleep so comfortably entangled in each other, and her glaring absence radiating around the room now without her. His shirt is missing from the floor, but hers is right where he had abandoned it last night. He notices the bag he packed for them has been opened and shifted through, probably her searching for more articles of clothing that belong to her.

Castle dresses quickly, wondering if she's simply gone down to breakfast or if another one of her nightmares scared her again at an ungodly hour. He peeks out the small window in their room, his eyes scanning the terrain for her. She's not in his line of vision, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's not out there either.

When he doesn't find her in the small dining room and Marge and Tim confirm they haven't seen her either, he knows she must be outside somewhere. He starts down along the shoreline, finding her perched on a massive rock that overlooks the water. His t-shirt from yesterday fits her loosely, one black bra strap visible from where the shirt refuses to stay on her shoulder. Her knees are drawn up into her chest and her hair flutters around in the morning breeze, little fly-aways coming free from her ponytail.

She must hear him coming because she speaks before he says anything, without even turning around. "I think my body has forgotten how to sleep."

"Still? Even out here where it's extra peaceful and secluded?" he responds, closing the rest of the distance between them and standing next to her giant rock.

"New bed last night," she mutters. "The sunrise was pretty though."

"I didn't even feel you get up," Castle says, feeling almost guilty to have slept through whatever had been plaguing her head last night.

"You did," she answers softly. "I told you to go back to sleep."

"I don't remember that."

Kate looks at him for the first time that morning, smiling softly. "You were tired. My guess is you sleep better out here because this property doesn't have my family name on it. You feel safer, harder for the bad guys to locate."

"But you're more on edge out here. Why?"

"Wish I knew," she says, returning her gaze to the water.

He leans against the rock, his fingers toying with the frayed edges of her shorts. "What nightmare was it last night?"

"A new one. We make it back to the city this fall just fine. But my first day back on the job, I die in a completely unrelated shooting."

His hand stills on her thigh. "Your subconscious trying to tell you the job is dangerous no matter what?"

She shakes her head, but doesn't say more.

"Kate -"

"I don't want to die, Castle. I don't want to lose you."

"You won't," he says fiercely, his hand slipping from her thigh to find her hand. "You won't."

"But promise me you'll look after my dad if I do."

"Kate -"

"Promise me."

He sighs, giving her hand a squeeze as he does. "I promise."

She nods once, squeezing his hand back. He watches her for a moment, still trying to figure out what's going on in that head of hers. She seems less open than she has been the past couple of weeks, almost as though she's trying to avoid telling him something. Kate stretches her long, tanned legs out in front her, scrutinizing a spot on her thigh she must have missed when shaving. She gives up on it and closes her eyes, tilting her head up toward the sun.

"If you want to nap in the sun, there has to be a better place around here beside this hard rock," he tells her.

"I like my rock," she says without opening her eyes. "Thinking about carving my initials into it. Making it mine forever."

"Little bit harder to carve than the picnic table, huh?"

"That's the point."

A thought occurs to him and he nudges her arm with his elbow, causing her to open one eye and peer down at him.

"I just realized you know both of my middle names and I have no idea what yours is."

"Houghton," she sighs.

"Like Katharine Hepburn?"

She nods.

"Okay I love that," Castle says, grinning.

"You would."

He watches her for a beat again, sitting on her rock, soaking up the sun. But then she opens her eyes and slides off of it, stretching her arms over her head until her back cracks.

"Breakfast?" she asks, reaching for his hand and trying to lead him inside.

"Yeah, sure, in a minute. But first, Kate -" She turns to face him, looking at him expectantly. "Are you sure that's all that's bothering you? Just another bad dream?"

She studies him for a moment and at first he thinks she's going to keep avoiding the issue and insist on breakfast again. But instead she steps over to him, draping her arms around his torso and looking up at him. Their height difference has really become noticeable out here without her heeled boots. He smirks, thinking to himself about how much he enjoys it.

"I'm afraid to go back," she tells him, looking past his head, before refocusing on his eyes."The PTSD is something that's being worked on, but the thought of a suspect pulling their gun on me…it's something I've been struggling with for a while now, but last night's dream just made it too real. I want to go back, solve this case, catch the asshole behind it all. I want to get back to my job, to my life. But at the same time I'd rather just sit on huge rocks under the sun and watch the tide roll in. I'm torn."

"We have a couple weeks left. No one's asking you to deal with guns just yet."

"I know. But I can't seem to push them out of my head. You're rich, right? I could retire early, become your trophy wife."

Castle laughs, starting to walk her back toward the lighthouse. "I know you, Beckett. You would not be happy or satisfied doing that."

"You had me pretty satisfied last night, don't you think?"

He laughs again, glad that her light-heartedness is starting to creep back out from behind her darkness once more. "Yes, from the noises you were making I would say that you were very satisfied last night. But I also know how important your job is to you. If you're looking for a change in career -"

She shakes her head. "No, I really can't imagine myself doing anything else. I'm just really frustrated with how afraid I've become. It isn't me. I want to feel like myself again."

"You'll get there," he assures her, rubbing his hand up and down the length of her arm. "Just give it time."

They head back into the lighthouse, sitting at the table next to Marge and Tim just as the pancakes are being brought out from the kitchen.

"What if we went back early?" she asks, her hand pausing around the syrup bottle.

"All this talk about avoiding the rest of the world and now you want to rejoin it earlier than planned?"

"I know, but I've had a lot of time to think this morning and out here I'm just this on edge bundle of nerves. I hate feeling this way and I want to move past it. I get over my fears by doing not by hiding. I need to start doing something, Castle. As much as I love hiding away with you, I'm starting to think the nightmares won't stop until I prove them wrong."

"Not even ten minutes ago, you said you were afraid to go back," he says slowly, trying to understand.

"I am afraid to go back. I'm afraid to pick up my gun again and leave behind the sereneness of being up here. But I'm worried the longer I put it off, the more I won't want to. Besides, seeing Dr. Burke in person might be more helpful than our phone sessions have been."

"I do miss my kid," he says, thinking about how nice it would be to see Alexis in person instead of on Skype calls that keep cutting out due to the poor reception up here. "But are you sure it's safe for us to go back?"

"You don't feel safe out here. You said it yourself, you're worried about being my only backup."

"You kids hiding from the law or something?" Tim asks, leaning over with a teasing grin on his face.

"Now who's the one being too nosy?" Marge asks, smacking his arm.

"We're not hiding from the law, we _are_ the law," Castle answers him. "Okay well technically only she's the law and I'm just - you know what, it's a long story."

"What brought you up here?" Tim asks. "Honestly."

"I'm a homicide detective," Kate says, exchanging a glance with Castle. "And essentially I got shot for knowing too much about a case which is very personal to me. I wanted to get away to heal, reflect, but now I think I just want closure. No matter how terrifying that is."

The older man nods. "Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free."

"We're cutting back on how much we order Chinese, you're starting to sound like a fortune cookie," Marge says, rolling her eyes.

Kate stifles a laugh as Tim turns back to his wife to argue with her.

"If we go home," Castle starts. "Am I sleeping in your bed or are you sleeping in mine?"

She smiles at him. "We'll switch off until we finally cave and move in together probably."

"Sounds like us," he smirks. "Do you want to finish out the week or pack up and head back today?"

"Let's finish out the week," she responds after a beat. "We can head back on Sunday."

"Good. I still have time to push you into the lake."

Kate points her fork at him. "Not if I jump first."

* * *

She's sitting on the front porch steps surveying the area, while Castle finishes packing up the car. She had offered to help but he'd been stubborn as usual, insisting he could manage by himself. The sun continues to shine brightly, but as predicted, the heat wave had dropped back down to the 80s. There's a soft summer breeze blowing through the trees and she can hear the sound of the water gently lapping at the dock. She really is going to miss this place.

"I'm going to have to start actually using my vacation days," Kate yawns stretching her arms over her head.

"For more alone time with me?" Castle asks cheekily.

"No. Well technically yes but..." she shakes her head. "I want to start coming up here more again. Plus there's your place in the Hamptons."

"The Hamptons makes an easy weekend trip. Save your vacation days for coming back here."

He manages to make room in the car for their last bit of luggage before strolling over to join her on the steps. She holds her hand out toward him expectantly.

"No, no. _You're_ supposed to tip _me_. I'm the one who did all the heavy lifting."

"I'm not asking for a tip. I want the keys."

"You think you get to drive back?" he asks, mocking astonishment.

"I always drive," she replies, trying to snatch the keys out of his hands.

He moves them out of her way. "I drove us up here."

"Because I was recovering from major heart surgery. I'm better now. Let me drive."

"I don't think so. This is the final saga in your recovery journey. But I'll let you ride shotgun!"

Kate rolls her eyes. "You can't be serious."

"Oh but I am."

She glares at him. "Give me the keys."

He shakes his head, grinning.

"Give me the keys."

She reaches for them and he continues to hold them away from her, laughing. She narrows her eyes at him before standing up and twisting his arms behind his back like she would if she were cuffing a suspect. He loses his grip on the keys and they fall into her outstretched hand.

"Welcome back Detective Beckett," Castle whistles as she releases his arms. "Can I sue you for police brutality?"

"Relax, your shoulder is fine."

He watches her lock up the cabin before standing back on the porch with her hands on her hips, her gaze making one last sweep of the grounds.

"You seem better today," he tells her. "More confident."

"Well like you said, Detective Beckett is back."

"If this is what you needed, maybe we should have gone home a while ago."

She shakes her head, her fingertips skimming his shoulder as she walks down the steps. "Oh I definitely needed this, trust me. But it's served its purpose and now I need to be home."

"Where are we going to start? With the case I mean."

Kate scrubs a hand through her hair. "I'm not sure. Espo said they might have something on my shooter but it could be just another dead end."

"And you're sure you want to do this? Risk going after these guys again?"

"I'll give it some time. Settle back into everything, figure out what we all know. But I'm not doing this alone anymore. If you and the boys are willing -"

Castle stands up and laces his hands together on her lower back. "I told you, I'm in this. Can't go back now."

She drapes her arms around his neck. "I mean you could. You have -"

"I know what I have. But I also have you. My partner, my friend, my lover. Our little team, this immediate family as I believe you called us, is going to catch this guy before he catches you. Then you are finally going to be able to get some sleep, and you and I are going to come back up here and have a proper stress free vacation."

She leans forward, pressing herself against his chest. "Is that a promise?"

He kisses her forehead. "You bet it is."

* * *

AN: I know it's taken me centuries to update this and I'm truly sorry. I wanted to be able to finish this story, I owe that to all of you, my beautiful readers, but I struggled with tying it all together to end it. This didn't end quite how I had anticipated it back when I first started this for ficathon, but I don't write that often anymore and I didn't want to continue to leave you all hanging. Unfortunately, this might be the last thing I write for Castle (emphasis on might, cause you never know really). Thank you all for coming with me on this journey over the years. Your kindness has truly meant the world to me. I'll never forget what it was like to have awesome readers like you guys. Much love, Emily


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